francinah

last post for tonight :)

yesterday i ventured into zandspruit with marisa from paradigm shift to photograph francinah, one of the organisation's entrepreneurs. francinah makes baby onesies, and they are beautiful. she lives in a small house in the township, that was recently ravaged by a fire. the wall that was damaged has just been rebuilt. i stood in her small kitchen, completely humbled. flip, how can i even complain about any problems i may have in life? we also met her neighbour, isabelle, who made us feel so welcome :)

francinah is a light, and was so gracious to let me photograph her. she admired my "teething beads" so to show my gratitude i gave them to her. she looked pretty stylin' ;)

hope these pics tell more of a story. please, please remember her in your prayers x

remembering

mother's day has a different kind of meaning for our family. my grandmother passed away when my mom was only seven years old, and every mother's day we visit west park cemetery to put flowers on her grave. we also visit my great-grandfather's gravesite too, they are buried not far from each other.

it's quite surreal honouring someone you never knew. i often wish my grandmother had lived into my lifetime so that i could have clear memories of her, instead of ones filtered through someone else's foggy recollections. i know her name was beryl davidson, and she was super sporty. she also was an incredible seamstress and made all my mother's dresses. i've seen photos of her, and she looked like a lot of fun, despite suffering with ill-health. she died at age 39 from heart disease, only ten years older than i am now. i wonder what her voice sounded like, what kind of jokes she would find funny. what her cooking would taste like. what her signature perfume would be. i can imagine, but it's not the same.

when my mom and i stand at her tombstone, i do mourn for her. it's the strangest feeling. it also makes me think about my legacy. and how incredibly grateful i am to have my mom with me, and such an integral part of my life. our relationship, while not without its challenges, is so fulfilling. 

it's quite redemptive in a way.

a new chapter

i can't believe it's been a year -- almost to the day -- since i last earned a salary. my last day at the bank was 31 march 2011 and on 2 april 2012, i start a new chapter of my work life at m2north. i'm super stoked to be doing something that i studied -- marketing and communications. whoop whoop!

it's been a great year. i have been humbled, challenged and learnt to be gracious. i've traveled by plane, train, subway, cable car, taxi, bus and by foot -- from the dry grass of texas to the concrete sidewalks of new york to the steep path up to golden gate bridge, san francisco. i've slept on the 19th floor of the new yorker hotel, a bunk bed in virginia and a blow up mattress on the floor of a study in austin. 

GOD has provided in amazing and mysterious ways. i am fully aware of the unique opportunity i've had to take as much time off as i have, and i am grateful. since coming home i've been able to make money in ways i never thought i would -- from taking photos to making scarves to baby sitting and scribing at conferences. daily bread. it's been rad. so rad.

sure, a part of me will miss lazy mornings, midday coffee catch ups, having flexi time and being able to help people who have needed it. i won't miss feeling un-routinised, running out of airtime and putting in petrol in R50 increments :)

stoked for new adventures. thank you LORD.

sparklers and stuff

i had some frustrations to work off today so i decided to do an extended session at gym. and katy perry's "firework" came on my ipod. i've never really understood the value of power songs. until today. i played that track so incredibly loud. and about 8 times in a row.

there's something really empowering about that song. every time the pre-chorus built up into that big chorus, i increased my speed on the treadmill. i was officially, missioning it.

now, i'm not normally for cheese, but these lyrics are too good to miss. just where i am right now, i have a need to feel empowered. and to take back some strength that i have lost in the last few weeks. so when she sings:

do you know that there's still a chance for you / there's a spark in you

you just gotta ignite the light / and let it shine

just own the night / like the fourth of july

or

if you only knew what the future holds / after a hurricane comes a rainbow

maybe the reason why all the doors are closed / is so you can open one that leads you to the perfect road 
like a lightning bolt / your heart will glow / and when it's time you'll know

when i was in the usa i didn't see the fourth of july fireworks {there was a burn ban in texas due to the severe drought and fire hazard} but i was there for memorial day. and seeing those fireworks was gooseflesh-sublime.

i realised that these words are not just for angst-filled, lost teenagers who cry at katy perry concerts. these lyrics are for me, right now. and not just for 20 mins on the treadmill.

play it loud.

boom! boom! boom! even brighter than the moon, moon, moon.

unemployment benefits

flip. ok. it has been a while since i posted. i think i've been on a hiatus from blogging macdotcoza {more like a hiatus hernia i.e. having severe indigestion from consuming too much life experience and thus feeling incapacitated} but that's another blog post altogether.

so, some of you may know that i gave up my life of corporate ambition, promotion and over the top performance bonuses to pursue a noble quest. sort of. i returned from said noble quest about 2 months ago and have been intent on not returning to my old job {albeit an awesome comfort zone i am super tempted to get back into, but won't}. hence i am unemployed.

it's amazing how creative you can be with your time. honestly. here are some of the benefits to being unemployed. or self-employed...

one. i can go to gym at the least busy time of day. without queuing for a treadmill or bumping into people i know. i always look freaking terrible at gym so am not fond of chatting mid-elliptical revolution.

two. i can watch all the shows on dstv on demand/catch up. i am totally up to date on shows i didn't even know existed.

three. i can meet people for lunch and spend quality time with people who mean a lot to me. i realise how i used to fill my life with people who i lived to please, and whose company i didn't ever really enjoy.

four. i can watch an entire season of F.R.I.E.N.D.S in one day. it is beyond rad. no ad breaks, just bathroom breaks :)

five. i can invest time mentoring someone. our domestic worker's daughter made it into an awesome learnership programme with one of the major banks. i get to help her with computer skills, take her to cool places like salvation cafe where she had her first cappuccino and chat to her about the corporate world. and of course, we also did some shopping for a new work wardrobe. it's very cool. and humbling.

six. i can take as many photos as i like. in perfect, natural daylight. my laptop cannot handle it. i have run out of space on my mac.

seven. i realise how little i need to get by. sheesh, i can waste money. but when it's finite, you become more resourceful, more economical and more creative with how to manage your cash. eat at home, go out for dessert. make a sarmie, don't stop at mcds. make someone's gift, don't default to a gift card. re-use, don't buy more. assess what you want vs. what you need.

in the real world, i probably have 3 weeks left before i run out of savings. but i'm not worried. i know everything will work out awesomely. this is another season. and i get "daily bread", just enough every day to get by. i love how GOD provides to cover what we need.

and, of course, the dstv catch up is a cool bonus.

x

quotable quote

{source}

identity crisis

it's a funny thing, identity. it's more than that little green book you carry around -- as proof that you are who you say you are. a validation.

i have been wondering how much of my identity is found externally. i mean, where i was born. my family. my friends. my ethnicity. my culture. my career. the music i like. the clothes i wear. the persona i exude. my car. my church. the books i read.

and what am i outside of those things? i feel like lately, having been so far removed from many of those external things, i am being pushed into someone else's view of who i need to be. people that, in reality, have no idea who i really am.

in another context, another country, another social circumstance -- what is proof that i am who i say i am?

ultimately, i may not be enough. i may not have the right paperwork. the right degree. the right accent. i may be a nobody in this big foreign place. but i am HIS. i am child to a sovereign father. a loving redeemer. an eternal provider. 

and the proof of that was paid 2,000 years ago on a rugged, bloody cross.

and He has sustained and brought me safe thus far. so my future is decided. my tomorrow is secure.

and that, is no real crisis at all

x

there and here. and so much in between...

i had a strange realisation. it was a year ago to the day that i moved into my little townhouse in richmond park, in oakdene, south africa. and i realised that back then, as i lay my head down on my brand new bed --- that i had no idea 365 days later i would be sleeping in a very different bed in a very different time zone and hemisphere.

makes you think.

there is something powerful about writing a good story with your life. a better story. one where there is a hero{ine}. a challenge or an obstacle to overcome. an adventure. a villain.

i've been on a very different storyline these past 12 months. more specifically 9 months really. and the 9 is appropriate. there was a "conception" i guess. an expectancy. and something very new now. i feel so different in so many ways. i think finally at peace about many things.

i think back on things i said, feelings i felt and thoughts i thought and i don't recognize so much of me in those things, feelings and thoughts. i think i felt trapped in a way. and if you knew me in that time, really knew me and were part of those catalystic, formative, angst-filled conversations you would understand how angry i really was. and you loved me in that, and i love you for that.

i often think i was the villain in my own story. self-sabotaging. loving the world too much.

but there was a guilt too. a guilt at having so much, and still not being satisfied. people have sometimes confessed to me that they envy me {uh whuuuut, right?} and i feel like a total fraud/liar/fake because it wasn't real.

on my 28th birthday i cited the lyrics "things will be great when i turn 28". and they really are. i believe there is power in growing older. particularly when you pass 25. it's like you realize you're closer to 30 than you are to 20. and it's sobering.  there's no more stuffing around. your mistakes and risks have greater consequences {example: not paying your mom back the R20 you borrowed is not equal to missing a credit card payment or home loan installment}. but you don't sweat the small stuff like you used to. the more dissatisfied i became, the more urgency i felt. to create a turning point. a fork stuck in the road…{you get my greenday point, right}

so right now i am kind of stunned that a year ago i was there. now i am here.

here is uncertain.
here there are no back up plans.
here there is no reputation to ride on. resumé to support. bank balance to sustain.

here there is only small faith in a big GOD.
here there are big dreams. and endless possibilities. a heartful of gratitude.
here is humility.
here is lessons that suck to learn.
here is good.
here is now.
x

a poem about love

i totally forgot that i wrote this, being fluey {blah} and off work i was looking through some old files on my mac and came across this again, from around April last year. i now have a blog that i can post this to -- so like it, don't like it. either way it's cool.

this is not a love poem, it's a poem about Love...

i love photos of people
whether smiling or not
i love sampling milk chocolate
melted, straight from the pot
i love laughter from tears and the same in reverse
how all people have stories
i love my fancy guess purse :)
i love dancing to music down my passage hall
ridiculous laughing for no reason at all
i love challenging books, movies and preachers
walking too slowly on salt watered beaches
i love sunsets and sunrises
and rusks with my tea
i love the rain-smell that storms bring…

and then someone lied when they said they "loved" me.

so I questioned this love
and that my reverie
was just that and the fact
we use "love" flippantly
so i journeyed in dismay
my heart chipped and cracked
i'd lost my first hope, believed all that i lacked.
i looked at the chasm and then walked away
turned my back on optimism
and kept hope at bay

and from grey mist i emerged
sluggard and slow
but not beaten, not broken
for this fact i know
that the only true love,
on which we can rely
that's deeper than oceans
and wider than sky
not fickle like love of a lover or friend
is Love that clung to a cross
love that cannot find end
and we can never fathom, or grasp or define
how this Love can change us
when we glimpse the Divine.

so we do change. and we hope. and we trust. and we fight.
and we do not go gentle into that dark night.
for just as Love fought to save us from the grave
so must we battle on, until Glorious Day
and love as Love loves, no matter the cost
and love those that Love loves, the broken, the lost.

and we know that life's hardships
may come and may go
but the rock of this Love
is a promise we know.
the hope of a Heaven and the treasure there stored
is a seal of Love's love, where we'll be restored.

x

lessons from zumba

here's why i like zumba. you work your butt off. i mean seriously, it's an intense workout. honestly, i need to trick myself into exercising, so zumba is so much fun {cause you're actually dancing} that you forget you're *gasp* gymming. but that's not the reason.

we have a brilliant instructor. she's vivacious, so much fun and really cheeky-sexy-spunky and she doesn't look like an ano-super model gym bunny. she makes you believe you might just look good doing what you do {even though you feel more like you're having an epileptic fit and are super self conscious of your jiggling bum}. that's also not the reason.

i love it because it gives women who usually don't believe they are confident or sexy, feel confident and sexy. housewives in baggy tracksuit pants suddenly come alive. they are not j-lo or beyonce. but when they samba-mambo-merengue their way through the class and shake their hips that don't lie, they look at themselves in the mirror like they like themselves. one woman a few weeks ago who wore ugly grey t-shirts now wears figure hugging racer tops. her body hasn't changed, her mind has.

none of us are dancers or models. but, really, do we need to be? or can we just believe that we are or, even better -- that we're not and don't need to be. and it's ok. it's better. cause we can still shake it like a polaroid picture.

that's all
x

tenacious C

i always knew i had a tenacious streak in me, but it was never so obvious as these last few weeks. i mean, i'm pretty determined that if i want something i will do what i can to get it {exclusions are selfish ambitions and other stuff that would be at the expense of someone else, quite obviously}. but my tenacity is often a result of my parallel tendency to procrastinate {i am the worst procrastinator}. let me illustrate...so i see this awesome red moleskine diary 2011 that i fall in love with. but i don't buy it immediately because i figure, hey, it will be cheaper in jan, right? when all the sales are on?

it will also be totally sold out in jan. everywhere. the more i struggled to track it down, the more tenacious i became to get it. i called every possible moleskine stockist in joburg. i would not accept defeat. yes, i am aware this is just a diary. i eventually found it at estoril books in village walk {kudos to the manager there that did not sell my beloved diary to any of the other 20 people that phoned in to get one}. so i think i quite possibly got the last red moleskine A5 page a day diary in joburg.

but it got me thinking. about how ocd i am, yes. i mean, there's no greater good here, no noble cause. it's just kind of sweet when you really want something and then you get it. this was a microcosm of something bigger really.

and it is so lovely. with all its rad stickers and world maps and rulers. i feel like now i can really organise my 2011 :) and i think about all the possible places i can be writing in it -- i mean, what will i be putting my calendar in like september 2011? will i be on the other side of the world? where will i be going? who will i be starbucks-ing with?

that's all
x

in exile

i really do believe you are meant to be in the right place at the right time. i mean you can be in the wrong place at the wrong time when bad stuff happens, so the opposite would be true, right?

anyway. i happened to randomly be at a shopping mall today in my lunch hour {yes, i do take those every now and then} looking for something very particular {which i'll blog about another time} and it didn't work out so i ended up in a christian bookstore close by. they were having a sale so i got some very cool stuff. i also bought an audio book for {get this} R20. i kid you not. R20. it's called "jesus wants to save christians" by rob bell and don golden and it is amazing. like really, really the most intriguing and insightful thing i've heard in a very long time. it's full-on theology but like i've never heard it explained before. it's legit old testament history genesis exodus prophets pharaohs and kings and it has never been so relevant.

i'm only an hour or so in, but the idea is that we're in exile -- not geographically but also exiled from GOD's will for our lives. we're east of eden. out of the will and purpose we're meant to be living in. we are actually called, as a "holy nation" to pursue justice, freedom, liberation from oppressors, to defend the poor and weak and orphaned and widowed. how we're all in an "egypt" somehow that enslaves us. so sin. pride. materialism. whatever. it's pretty "whoa" stuff.

i mean, any book that refers to king solomon as an arms dealer has got to be good.

so i reckon you should get down to that cool christian bookstore that has amazing sales around this time of year with R20 in your pocket. {here's a cover to help you out...}

lessons from bananas

so here's a metaphor for you. i have recently started making smoothies. mainly because i'm totally over all the healthy fruit that i buy going off because i can't eat it fast enough and secondly because i discovered i have a blender and i needed to test it out.

so i bought bunches of fruit. and bananas because all the kauai smoothies have banana and they're the experts, right? {note to reader: while i am a huge banana bread fan, i am not a solo banana fan}

ultimately i ended up with 5 litres of strawberry, rasberry and yoghurt smoothie because i added way to much banana. there is not enough fruit in the world to get rid of the overpowering banana-ness of my maiden voyage smoothie. i am still trying to drink all of it without nauseating myself.

here's the lesson. i realised that at this stage in my life, with so much going on, i am a smoothie of emotions. all these crazy feelings blended into a mix. and it would be a healthy mix if there was a balance. but there's just too much banana, which ruins the entire smoothie.

and the banana is doubt.

i need to remember the goodness and faithfulness and always-fulfilled-promises that GOD has given me in the past. remember that this is the year of "convergence". because, like banana in a smoothie, when you mix doubt into your life, you cannot separate it out from the rest. it makes everything taste like doubt. and it's a waste of a good thing.

x

eleven from '10

every year i write myself a letter. i wrote my first letter in 1997 when i was 15. i did not fully comprehend the significance of that year, until much later. 2006 in fact. i know this because it’s all recorded in A4 lined pages of my own handwriting. no one has ever read these letters. they are by far the most honest, intimate and victorious accounts of the last 13 years of my life. there have been many moments of wisdom in letters from 7 years ago, that offer me comfort and solutions to problems i face now. it’s pretty weird :)

there are some rules. i seal them for a full year. they have to be in my own writing, not typed and printed. i write as if no one will ever read them {i once wrote a letter as if i were writing for someone else to read -- it was pretty insincere and lifeless. the best letters are the no-holds-barred ones}. people who hurt me only get one line. this is to remind me that you can never avoid heartache, but you should never dwell on it.

so i won’t ever publish my letters, i will most likely take them to my grave with me, but i will post eleven lessons from 2010 that i included in my letter from last year:

one. i can survive cancer scares, scathing rumours, heartbreak, loss, smash & grabs, retrenchments, bad bosses and being on my own.
two. my hair does not have to be perfect all the time {it looks better when it’s not}.
three. family is the most important and profound human connection we have on this planet.
four. perception is reality. if you are a hammer, everything is a nail. it just sucks when you’re the nail.
five. it is the worst betrayal when people i trust let me down. but i will continue to trust anyway.
six. exercise is the best vitamin/medicine/pick me up/sleeping pill/energy tonic.
seven. i don’t always have to have a plan. i need to be less boring and predictable. i have to make more mistakes and take more risks. life will be more fun that way.
eight. i need to work on my self-perception. getting older helps with this, you stress less about the lame stuff.
nine. GOD will never give up on me. He fights for me each day and loves me fiercely. His love changes me. if i ever truly understood it, i would live differently.
ten. my close friends are the most valuable asset i have in my life. i am in awe of their love and support in my darkest moments. they keep me sane and humble and able to laugh through tears.
eleven. everyone has a story. we just need to stop and listen to it. there is a magic in storytelling, the real kind. fairy tales have nothing on real life.

2010 may have left me bruised, but not broken. 2010 was a year of coming apart, falling away, a “tearing”. 2011 will be a year of “convergence”, seeing a bigger plan come together in a big way. to adventures and memoirs and stories i will tell my grandchildren -- and they will look up at me in disbelief and say “no way, gran, you were super cool when you were younger”.

that’s all
x

_2010 in pictures_136 seconds of memories

{you can click on the image to enlarge it, and then zoom in for a closer look}

congruence

so the weirdest thing happened to me on sunday. it was all rainy outside so i decided to breakfast in bed and watch a dvd i bought “he’s just not that into you” – chick flick deluxe, right. but the movie that played was not chick flick deluxe, it was “inkheart”. not even the same genre. turns out it’s a nationwide stock problem, seems someone burnt the wrong movie to dvd. oops.

so it was a bit of a random disappointment {well, inkheart was pretty fun actually} but it got me thinking about something. i think that’s what a lot of people are like. their dvd cover is one thing. even their dvd disk label is one thing. but the movie they show is something else altogether. and i have to apply that to myself too. but i really want to have congruence. i remember that term very clearly from communication studies at varsity. a lack of congruence leads to conflict, and i'm really on a mission to simplify my life, including making sure that inside matches out. it's just easier than keeping track of some kind of facade. i want to be honest. i want to be real. i want to be sincere. i want to fully love GOD and love people.

congruence eliminates conflict.

that's all x

and more blue sweaterness

some more awesome quotes from such a great book:

"from then on, constance became a great storyteller for our new organisation, helping wealthy and poor alike understand the power of giving each individual the tools of credit so {they} would have the potential to change {their own lives}. "we are not handing out gifts," she would say, "but are bringing forth the gifts inside the people themselves"."

and then some lessons learned:

"i learned the importance of giving different kinds of people seats at the table early {in the process of establishing a microfinance organisation} in order to bring ideas to reality."

and then my fave quote:

"i didn't fathom then that most big dreams originate in someone's living room, with a small group of people, regardless of where they come from, or how they are dressed."

defined by mistake

recently someone posted this quote as their status on facebook: “you can't let your mistakes define you” and i’ve really been thinking about it these past few days. i mean, my mistakes do define me. they actually should. because if i learn a lesson from messing up, i get better. i learn more. and i mess up less. i am probably more defined and refined by the things i did wrong than the things i did right. in fact, my mistakes are more often the precursor to my achievements than the other way around.

when i say hurtful things and need to apologise for breaking someone down, i define how to build them up.
when i make the wrong choice about someone romantically, i define who i should be falling in love with in the future.
when i make a bad business decision at work, i define how to build better strategies.
when i do something out of pride and see the destructive consequence, i define how to live by humility.

whenever i bump my head, stumble, screw up, falter, make a bad call, it should make me better.

that’s all.

x

more blue sweater-ness

so i've been reading the blue sweater and i already have emphatically underlined meaningful quotes that challenge or resonate with me:

"i didn't want to become old at 35 and knew instinctively that a combination of service and adventure could lead to a life of passion and constant renewal."

and then later on she writes:

"why would i give up the chance at making it {at a career in banking}? i admitted the title had a nice ring to it and a small part of me feared risking my career and giving up my job title. but the promise of adventure and making a real difference had always been the internal force driving me. and there's no time like the present to start living your dream".

jacqueline is my hero. and i'm only like 20 pages in...good times ahead x