francinah

last post for tonight :)

yesterday i ventured into zandspruit with marisa from paradigm shift to photograph francinah, one of the organisation's entrepreneurs. francinah makes baby onesies, and they are beautiful. she lives in a small house in the township, that was recently ravaged by a fire. the wall that was damaged has just been rebuilt. i stood in her small kitchen, completely humbled. flip, how can i even complain about any problems i may have in life? we also met her neighbour, isabelle, who made us feel so welcome :)

francinah is a light, and was so gracious to let me photograph her. she admired my "teething beads" so to show my gratitude i gave them to her. she looked pretty stylin' ;)

hope these pics tell more of a story. please, please remember her in your prayers x

part of the solution

a couple weeks ago i was really honoured to take some "behind the scenes" shots of a video shoot for paradigm shift, an amazing microfinance organisation that mobilises and equips churches to run micro-credit, business training and discipleship programmes with the entrepreunerial poor. 


i am amazed and inspired by their work and love that i can be involved with what they're doing in south africa. do yourself a massive favour and check out their website. better yet, get involved in running a programme in your church, community or faith-based organisation.


here are some shots from the day...

a new chapter

i can't believe it's been a year -- almost to the day -- since i last earned a salary. my last day at the bank was 31 march 2011 and on 2 april 2012, i start a new chapter of my work life at m2north. i'm super stoked to be doing something that i studied -- marketing and communications. whoop whoop!

it's been a great year. i have been humbled, challenged and learnt to be gracious. i've traveled by plane, train, subway, cable car, taxi, bus and by foot -- from the dry grass of texas to the concrete sidewalks of new york to the steep path up to golden gate bridge, san francisco. i've slept on the 19th floor of the new yorker hotel, a bunk bed in virginia and a blow up mattress on the floor of a study in austin. 

GOD has provided in amazing and mysterious ways. i am fully aware of the unique opportunity i've had to take as much time off as i have, and i am grateful. since coming home i've been able to make money in ways i never thought i would -- from taking photos to making scarves to baby sitting and scribing at conferences. daily bread. it's been rad. so rad.

sure, a part of me will miss lazy mornings, midday coffee catch ups, having flexi time and being able to help people who have needed it. i won't miss feeling un-routinised, running out of airtime and putting in petrol in R50 increments :)

stoked for new adventures. thank you LORD.

unemployment benefits

flip. ok. it has been a while since i posted. i think i've been on a hiatus from blogging macdotcoza {more like a hiatus hernia i.e. having severe indigestion from consuming too much life experience and thus feeling incapacitated} but that's another blog post altogether.

so, some of you may know that i gave up my life of corporate ambition, promotion and over the top performance bonuses to pursue a noble quest. sort of. i returned from said noble quest about 2 months ago and have been intent on not returning to my old job {albeit an awesome comfort zone i am super tempted to get back into, but won't}. hence i am unemployed.

it's amazing how creative you can be with your time. honestly. here are some of the benefits to being unemployed. or self-employed...

one. i can go to gym at the least busy time of day. without queuing for a treadmill or bumping into people i know. i always look freaking terrible at gym so am not fond of chatting mid-elliptical revolution.

two. i can watch all the shows on dstv on demand/catch up. i am totally up to date on shows i didn't even know existed.

three. i can meet people for lunch and spend quality time with people who mean a lot to me. i realise how i used to fill my life with people who i lived to please, and whose company i didn't ever really enjoy.

four. i can watch an entire season of F.R.I.E.N.D.S in one day. it is beyond rad. no ad breaks, just bathroom breaks :)

five. i can invest time mentoring someone. our domestic worker's daughter made it into an awesome learnership programme with one of the major banks. i get to help her with computer skills, take her to cool places like salvation cafe where she had her first cappuccino and chat to her about the corporate world. and of course, we also did some shopping for a new work wardrobe. it's very cool. and humbling.

six. i can take as many photos as i like. in perfect, natural daylight. my laptop cannot handle it. i have run out of space on my mac.

seven. i realise how little i need to get by. sheesh, i can waste money. but when it's finite, you become more resourceful, more economical and more creative with how to manage your cash. eat at home, go out for dessert. make a sarmie, don't stop at mcds. make someone's gift, don't default to a gift card. re-use, don't buy more. assess what you want vs. what you need.

in the real world, i probably have 3 weeks left before i run out of savings. but i'm not worried. i know everything will work out awesomely. this is another season. and i get "daily bread", just enough every day to get by. i love how GOD provides to cover what we need.

and, of course, the dstv catch up is a cool bonus.

x

identity crisis

it's a funny thing, identity. it's more than that little green book you carry around -- as proof that you are who you say you are. a validation.

i have been wondering how much of my identity is found externally. i mean, where i was born. my family. my friends. my ethnicity. my culture. my career. the music i like. the clothes i wear. the persona i exude. my car. my church. the books i read.

and what am i outside of those things? i feel like lately, having been so far removed from many of those external things, i am being pushed into someone else's view of who i need to be. people that, in reality, have no idea who i really am.

in another context, another country, another social circumstance -- what is proof that i am who i say i am?

ultimately, i may not be enough. i may not have the right paperwork. the right degree. the right accent. i may be a nobody in this big foreign place. but i am HIS. i am child to a sovereign father. a loving redeemer. an eternal provider. 

and the proof of that was paid 2,000 years ago on a rugged, bloody cross.

and He has sustained and brought me safe thus far. so my future is decided. my tomorrow is secure.

and that, is no real crisis at all

x

there and here. and so much in between...

i had a strange realisation. it was a year ago to the day that i moved into my little townhouse in richmond park, in oakdene, south africa. and i realised that back then, as i lay my head down on my brand new bed --- that i had no idea 365 days later i would be sleeping in a very different bed in a very different time zone and hemisphere.

makes you think.

there is something powerful about writing a good story with your life. a better story. one where there is a hero{ine}. a challenge or an obstacle to overcome. an adventure. a villain.

i've been on a very different storyline these past 12 months. more specifically 9 months really. and the 9 is appropriate. there was a "conception" i guess. an expectancy. and something very new now. i feel so different in so many ways. i think finally at peace about many things.

i think back on things i said, feelings i felt and thoughts i thought and i don't recognize so much of me in those things, feelings and thoughts. i think i felt trapped in a way. and if you knew me in that time, really knew me and were part of those catalystic, formative, angst-filled conversations you would understand how angry i really was. and you loved me in that, and i love you for that.

i often think i was the villain in my own story. self-sabotaging. loving the world too much.

but there was a guilt too. a guilt at having so much, and still not being satisfied. people have sometimes confessed to me that they envy me {uh whuuuut, right?} and i feel like a total fraud/liar/fake because it wasn't real.

on my 28th birthday i cited the lyrics "things will be great when i turn 28". and they really are. i believe there is power in growing older. particularly when you pass 25. it's like you realize you're closer to 30 than you are to 20. and it's sobering.  there's no more stuffing around. your mistakes and risks have greater consequences {example: not paying your mom back the R20 you borrowed is not equal to missing a credit card payment or home loan installment}. but you don't sweat the small stuff like you used to. the more dissatisfied i became, the more urgency i felt. to create a turning point. a fork stuck in the road…{you get my greenday point, right}

so right now i am kind of stunned that a year ago i was there. now i am here.

here is uncertain.
here there are no back up plans.
here there is no reputation to ride on. resumé to support. bank balance to sustain.

here there is only small faith in a big GOD.
here there are big dreams. and endless possibilities. a heartful of gratitude.
here is humility.
here is lessons that suck to learn.
here is good.
here is now.
x

a poem about love

i totally forgot that i wrote this, being fluey {blah} and off work i was looking through some old files on my mac and came across this again, from around April last year. i now have a blog that i can post this to -- so like it, don't like it. either way it's cool.

this is not a love poem, it's a poem about Love...

i love photos of people
whether smiling or not
i love sampling milk chocolate
melted, straight from the pot
i love laughter from tears and the same in reverse
how all people have stories
i love my fancy guess purse :)
i love dancing to music down my passage hall
ridiculous laughing for no reason at all
i love challenging books, movies and preachers
walking too slowly on salt watered beaches
i love sunsets and sunrises
and rusks with my tea
i love the rain-smell that storms bring…

and then someone lied when they said they "loved" me.

so I questioned this love
and that my reverie
was just that and the fact
we use "love" flippantly
so i journeyed in dismay
my heart chipped and cracked
i'd lost my first hope, believed all that i lacked.
i looked at the chasm and then walked away
turned my back on optimism
and kept hope at bay

and from grey mist i emerged
sluggard and slow
but not beaten, not broken
for this fact i know
that the only true love,
on which we can rely
that's deeper than oceans
and wider than sky
not fickle like love of a lover or friend
is Love that clung to a cross
love that cannot find end
and we can never fathom, or grasp or define
how this Love can change us
when we glimpse the Divine.

so we do change. and we hope. and we trust. and we fight.
and we do not go gentle into that dark night.
for just as Love fought to save us from the grave
so must we battle on, until Glorious Day
and love as Love loves, no matter the cost
and love those that Love loves, the broken, the lost.

and we know that life's hardships
may come and may go
but the rock of this Love
is a promise we know.
the hope of a Heaven and the treasure there stored
is a seal of Love's love, where we'll be restored.

x

lessons from bananas

so here's a metaphor for you. i have recently started making smoothies. mainly because i'm totally over all the healthy fruit that i buy going off because i can't eat it fast enough and secondly because i discovered i have a blender and i needed to test it out.

so i bought bunches of fruit. and bananas because all the kauai smoothies have banana and they're the experts, right? {note to reader: while i am a huge banana bread fan, i am not a solo banana fan}

ultimately i ended up with 5 litres of strawberry, rasberry and yoghurt smoothie because i added way to much banana. there is not enough fruit in the world to get rid of the overpowering banana-ness of my maiden voyage smoothie. i am still trying to drink all of it without nauseating myself.

here's the lesson. i realised that at this stage in my life, with so much going on, i am a smoothie of emotions. all these crazy feelings blended into a mix. and it would be a healthy mix if there was a balance. but there's just too much banana, which ruins the entire smoothie.

and the banana is doubt.

i need to remember the goodness and faithfulness and always-fulfilled-promises that GOD has given me in the past. remember that this is the year of "convergence". because, like banana in a smoothie, when you mix doubt into your life, you cannot separate it out from the rest. it makes everything taste like doubt. and it's a waste of a good thing.

x