i had a strange realisation. it was a year ago to the day that i moved into my little townhouse in richmond park, in oakdene, south africa. and i realised that back then, as i lay my head down on my brand new bed --- that i had no idea 365 days later i would be sleeping in a very different bed in a very different time zone and hemisphere.
makes you think.
there is something powerful about writing a good story with your life. a better story. one where there is a hero{ine}. a challenge or an obstacle to overcome. an adventure. a villain.
i've been on a very different storyline these past 12 months. more specifically 9 months really. and the 9 is appropriate. there was a "conception" i guess. an expectancy. and something very new now. i feel so different in so many ways. i think finally at peace about many things.
i think back on things i said, feelings i felt and thoughts i thought and i don't recognize so much of me in those things, feelings and thoughts. i think i felt trapped in a way. and if you knew me in that time, really knew me and were part of those catalystic, formative, angst-filled conversations you would understand how angry i really was. and you loved me in that, and i love you for that.
i often think i was the villain in my own story. self-sabotaging. loving the world too much.
but there was a guilt too. a guilt at having so much, and still not being satisfied. people have sometimes confessed to me that they envy me {uh whuuuut, right?} and i feel like a total fraud/liar/fake because it wasn't real.
on my 28th birthday i cited the lyrics "things will be great when i turn 28". and they really are. i believe there is power in growing older. particularly when you pass 25. it's like you realize you're closer to 30 than you are to 20. and it's sobering. there's no more stuffing around. your mistakes and risks have greater consequences {example: not paying your mom back the R20 you borrowed is not equal to missing a credit card payment or home loan installment}. but you don't sweat the small stuff like you used to. the more dissatisfied i became, the more urgency i felt. to create a turning point. a fork stuck in the road…{you get my greenday point, right}
so right now i am kind of stunned that a year ago i was there. now i am here.
here is uncertain.
here there are no back up plans.
here there is no reputation to ride on. resumé to support. bank balance to sustain.
i've been on a very different storyline these past 12 months. more specifically 9 months really. and the 9 is appropriate. there was a "conception" i guess. an expectancy. and something very new now. i feel so different in so many ways. i think finally at peace about many things.
i think back on things i said, feelings i felt and thoughts i thought and i don't recognize so much of me in those things, feelings and thoughts. i think i felt trapped in a way. and if you knew me in that time, really knew me and were part of those catalystic, formative, angst-filled conversations you would understand how angry i really was. and you loved me in that, and i love you for that.
i often think i was the villain in my own story. self-sabotaging. loving the world too much.
but there was a guilt too. a guilt at having so much, and still not being satisfied. people have sometimes confessed to me that they envy me {uh whuuuut, right?} and i feel like a total fraud/liar/fake because it wasn't real.
on my 28th birthday i cited the lyrics "things will be great when i turn 28". and they really are. i believe there is power in growing older. particularly when you pass 25. it's like you realize you're closer to 30 than you are to 20. and it's sobering. there's no more stuffing around. your mistakes and risks have greater consequences {example: not paying your mom back the R20 you borrowed is not equal to missing a credit card payment or home loan installment}. but you don't sweat the small stuff like you used to. the more dissatisfied i became, the more urgency i felt. to create a turning point. a fork stuck in the road…{you get my greenday point, right}
so right now i am kind of stunned that a year ago i was there. now i am here.
here is uncertain.
here there are no back up plans.
here there is no reputation to ride on. resumé to support. bank balance to sustain.
here there is only small faith in a big GOD.
here there are big dreams. and endless possibilities. a heartful of gratitude.
here is humility.
here is lessons that suck to learn.
here is good.
here is now.
x
here there are big dreams. and endless possibilities. a heartful of gratitude.
here is humility.
here is lessons that suck to learn.
here is good.
here is now.
x
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