only in emergencies

ok so i've been really serious lately, so here's some fun stuff i've encountered in the states...

there's an amazing grocery store here called central market and it's pretty freaking awesome. if you love food {like i do} and appreciate everything from imported cheeses to coffees and having a panorama to choose from, mostly calculated by weight {so you can have a small serving of as many different kinds of granola as you like and only pay for what you need -- how about orange/macaroon or vanilla/macadamia?}

anyway, it's heaven. but they also have a huge selection of chocolates, including bloomsberry & co.'s "emergency chocolate" for immediate relief of: chocolate cravings, lovesickness, exam pressure, mild anxiety and extreme hunger. directions for use: tear open wrapper, break off desired dosage, and consume. alternatively massage into affected area. repeat dosage as required until finished. if symptoms persist, consult your local confectioner.

don't you just love it? i have to import these....

identity crisis

it's a funny thing, identity. it's more than that little green book you carry around -- as proof that you are who you say you are. a validation.

i have been wondering how much of my identity is found externally. i mean, where i was born. my family. my friends. my ethnicity. my culture. my career. the music i like. the clothes i wear. the persona i exude. my car. my church. the books i read.

and what am i outside of those things? i feel like lately, having been so far removed from many of those external things, i am being pushed into someone else's view of who i need to be. people that, in reality, have no idea who i really am.

in another context, another country, another social circumstance -- what is proof that i am who i say i am?

ultimately, i may not be enough. i may not have the right paperwork. the right degree. the right accent. i may be a nobody in this big foreign place. but i am HIS. i am child to a sovereign father. a loving redeemer. an eternal provider. 

and the proof of that was paid 2,000 years ago on a rugged, bloody cross.

and He has sustained and brought me safe thus far. so my future is decided. my tomorrow is secure.

and that, is no real crisis at all

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there and here. and so much in between...

i had a strange realisation. it was a year ago to the day that i moved into my little townhouse in richmond park, in oakdene, south africa. and i realised that back then, as i lay my head down on my brand new bed --- that i had no idea 365 days later i would be sleeping in a very different bed in a very different time zone and hemisphere.

makes you think.

there is something powerful about writing a good story with your life. a better story. one where there is a hero{ine}. a challenge or an obstacle to overcome. an adventure. a villain.

i've been on a very different storyline these past 12 months. more specifically 9 months really. and the 9 is appropriate. there was a "conception" i guess. an expectancy. and something very new now. i feel so different in so many ways. i think finally at peace about many things.

i think back on things i said, feelings i felt and thoughts i thought and i don't recognize so much of me in those things, feelings and thoughts. i think i felt trapped in a way. and if you knew me in that time, really knew me and were part of those catalystic, formative, angst-filled conversations you would understand how angry i really was. and you loved me in that, and i love you for that.

i often think i was the villain in my own story. self-sabotaging. loving the world too much.

but there was a guilt too. a guilt at having so much, and still not being satisfied. people have sometimes confessed to me that they envy me {uh whuuuut, right?} and i feel like a total fraud/liar/fake because it wasn't real.

on my 28th birthday i cited the lyrics "things will be great when i turn 28". and they really are. i believe there is power in growing older. particularly when you pass 25. it's like you realize you're closer to 30 than you are to 20. and it's sobering.  there's no more stuffing around. your mistakes and risks have greater consequences {example: not paying your mom back the R20 you borrowed is not equal to missing a credit card payment or home loan installment}. but you don't sweat the small stuff like you used to. the more dissatisfied i became, the more urgency i felt. to create a turning point. a fork stuck in the road…{you get my greenday point, right}

so right now i am kind of stunned that a year ago i was there. now i am here.

here is uncertain.
here there are no back up plans.
here there is no reputation to ride on. resumé to support. bank balance to sustain.

here there is only small faith in a big GOD.
here there are big dreams. and endless possibilities. a heartful of gratitude.
here is humility.
here is lessons that suck to learn.
here is good.
here is now.
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