i always knew i had a tenacious streak in me, but it was never so obvious as these last few weeks. i mean, i'm pretty determined that if i want something i will do what i can to get it {exclusions are selfish ambitions and other stuff that would be at the expense of someone else, quite obviously}. but my tenacity is often a result of my parallel tendency to procrastinate {i am the worst procrastinator}. let me illustrate...so i see this awesome red moleskine diary 2011 that i fall in love with. but i don't buy it immediately because i figure, hey, it will be cheaper in jan, right? when all the sales are on?
it will also be totally sold out in jan. everywhere. the more i struggled to track it down, the more tenacious i became to get it. i called every possible moleskine stockist in joburg. i would not accept defeat. yes, i am aware this is just a diary. i eventually found it at estoril books in village walk {kudos to the manager there that did not sell my beloved diary to any of the other 20 people that phoned in to get one}. so i think i quite possibly got the last red moleskine A5 page a day diary in joburg.
but it got me thinking. about how ocd i am, yes. i mean, there's no greater good here, no noble cause. it's just kind of sweet when you really want something and then you get it. this was a microcosm of something bigger really.
and it is so lovely. with all its rad stickers and world maps and rulers. i feel like now i can really organise my 2011 :) and i think about all the possible places i can be writing in it -- i mean, what will i be putting my calendar in like september 2011? will i be on the other side of the world? where will i be going? who will i be starbucks-ing with?
that's all
x
i really do believe you are meant to be in the right place at the right time. i mean you can be in the wrong place at the wrong time when bad stuff happens, so the opposite would be true, right?
anyway. i happened to randomly be at a shopping mall today in my lunch hour {yes, i do take those every now and then} looking for something very particular {which i'll blog about another time} and it didn't work out so i ended up in a christian bookstore close by. they were having a sale so i got some very cool stuff. i also bought an audio book for {get this} R20. i kid you not. R20. it's called "jesus wants to save christians" by rob bell and don golden and it is amazing. like really, really the most intriguing and insightful thing i've heard in a very long time. it's full-on theology but like i've never heard it explained before. it's legit old testament history genesis exodus prophets pharaohs and kings and it has never been so relevant.
i'm only an hour or so in, but the idea is that we're in exile -- not geographically but also exiled from GOD's will for our lives. we're east of eden. out of the will and purpose we're meant to be living in. we are actually called, as a "holy nation" to pursue justice, freedom, liberation from oppressors, to defend the poor and weak and orphaned and widowed. how we're all in an "egypt" somehow that enslaves us. so sin. pride. materialism. whatever. it's pretty "whoa" stuff.
i mean, any book that refers to king solomon as an arms dealer has got to be good.
so i reckon you should get down to that cool christian bookstore that has amazing sales around this time of year with R20 in your pocket. {here's a cover to help you out...}
so here's a metaphor for you. i have recently started making smoothies. mainly because i'm totally over all the healthy fruit that i buy going off because i can't eat it fast enough and secondly because i discovered i have a blender and i needed to test it out.
so i bought bunches of fruit. and bananas because all the kauai smoothies have banana and they're the experts, right? {note to reader: while i am a huge banana bread fan, i am not a solo banana fan}
ultimately i ended up with 5 litres of strawberry, rasberry and yoghurt smoothie because i added way to much banana. there is not enough fruit in the world to get rid of the overpowering banana-ness of my maiden voyage smoothie. i am still trying to drink all of it without nauseating myself.
here's the lesson. i realised that at this stage in my life, with so much going on, i am a smoothie of emotions. all these crazy feelings blended into a mix. and it would be a healthy mix if there was a balance. but there's just too much banana, which ruins the entire smoothie.
and the banana is doubt.
i need to remember the goodness and faithfulness and always-fulfilled-promises that GOD has given me in the past. remember that this is the year of "convergence". because, like banana in a smoothie, when you mix doubt into your life, you cannot separate it out from the rest. it makes everything taste like doubt. and it's a waste of a good thing.
x
every year i write myself a letter. i wrote my first letter in 1997 when i was 15. i did not fully comprehend the significance of that year, until much later. 2006 in fact. i know this because it’s all recorded in A4 lined pages of my own handwriting. no one has ever read these letters. they are by far the most honest, intimate and victorious accounts of the last 13 years of my life. there have been many moments of wisdom in letters from 7 years ago, that offer me comfort and solutions to problems i face now. it’s pretty weird :)
there are some rules. i seal them for a full year. they have to be in my own writing, not typed and printed. i write as if no one will ever read them {i once wrote a letter as if i were writing for someone else to read -- it was pretty insincere and lifeless. the best letters are the no-holds-barred ones}. people who hurt me only get one line. this is to remind me that you can never avoid heartache, but you should never dwell on it.
so i won’t ever publish my letters, i will most likely take them to my grave with me, but i will post eleven lessons from 2010 that i included in my letter from last year:
one. i can survive cancer scares, scathing rumours, heartbreak, loss, smash & grabs, retrenchments, bad bosses and being on my own.
two. my hair does not have to be perfect all the time {it looks better when it’s not}.
three. family is the most important and profound human connection we have on this planet.
four. perception is reality. if you are a hammer, everything is a nail. it just sucks when you’re the nail.
five. it is the worst betrayal when people i trust let me down. but i will continue to trust anyway.
six. exercise is the best vitamin/medicine/pick me up/sleeping pill/energy tonic.
seven. i don’t always have to have a plan. i need to be less boring and predictable. i have to make more mistakes and take more risks. life will be more fun that way.
eight. i need to work on my self-perception. getting older helps with this, you stress less about the lame stuff.
nine. GOD will never give up on me. He fights for me each day and loves me fiercely. His love changes me. if i ever truly understood it, i would live differently.
ten. my close friends are the most valuable asset i have in my life. i am in awe of their love and support in my darkest moments. they keep me sane and humble and able to laugh through tears.
eleven. everyone has a story. we just need to stop and listen to it. there is a magic in storytelling, the real kind. fairy tales have nothing on real life.
2010 may have left me bruised, but not broken. 2010 was a year of coming apart, falling away, a “tearing”. 2011 will be a year of “convergence”, seeing a bigger plan come together in a big way. to adventures and memoirs and stories i will tell my grandchildren -- and they will look up at me in disbelief and say “no way, gran, you were super cool when you were younger”.
that’s all
x
{you can click on the image to enlarge it, and then zoom in for a closer look}
