congruence

so the weirdest thing happened to me on sunday. it was all rainy outside so i decided to breakfast in bed and watch a dvd i bought “he’s just not that into you” – chick flick deluxe, right. but the movie that played was not chick flick deluxe, it was “inkheart”. not even the same genre. turns out it’s a nationwide stock problem, seems someone burnt the wrong movie to dvd. oops.

so it was a bit of a random disappointment {well, inkheart was pretty fun actually} but it got me thinking about something. i think that’s what a lot of people are like. their dvd cover is one thing. even their dvd disk label is one thing. but the movie they show is something else altogether. and i have to apply that to myself too. but i really want to have congruence. i remember that term very clearly from communication studies at varsity. a lack of congruence leads to conflict, and i'm really on a mission to simplify my life, including making sure that inside matches out. it's just easier than keeping track of some kind of facade. i want to be honest. i want to be real. i want to be sincere. i want to fully love GOD and love people.

congruence eliminates conflict.

that's all x

not everything is going to be the way you think it ought to be

i tend to archive my life to music. so for example, i got sheryl crow's tuesday night music club for an absolute steal at R49 over the weekend. now the first time i heard this album, it was on a cassette tape {anyone remember those??} in 1995. I was 12, had braces, a dorky hairstyle and had no idea what lay ahead of me. it was before high school, varsity, work, bad experiences, broken hearts, car repayments, the pressure and responsibility of a home loan. i think my only real concern was how cool i was to my friends and how high my marks were. i had no idea what i was in for. but i remember listening to tuesday night music club, memorising the words, thinking i had a grasp of what sheryl was actually singing about. 15 years later {i still remember all the lyrics} but i have a better idea i think.

i've had track 11 on repeat for three days {"i shall believe"} and i have to post the lyrics. it's a song of repentance i think. coming back to someone or something you can believe in. i get goosebumps every time i hear it.

then. now. and even 15 years from now when i'm 43 *gasp* -- it will still be relevant.

come to me now
and lay your hands over me
even if it's a lie
say it will be alright
and i shall believe
i'm broken in two
and i know you're on to me
that i only come home
when i'm so all alone
but i do believe

that not everything is gonna be the way
you think it ought to be
it seems like every time i try to make it right
it all comes down on me
please say honestly you won't give up on me
and i shall believe
and i shall believe

open the door
and show me your face tonight
i know it's true
no one heals me like you
and you hold the key
never again would i turn away from you
i'm so heavy tonight
but your love is alright
and i do believe

that not everything is gonna be the way
you think it ought to be
it seems like every time i try to make it right
it all comes down on me
please say honestly
you won't give up on me
and I shall believe
i shall believe
and i shall believe

§

that's all x

sugar highs

everyone has a movie or song or book that they can watch or listen to or read a hundred times and never, ever get over it. you always appreciate something new each time you re-visit. that's what empire records is like for me. there are too many great scenes {"sinead o' rebellion...shock me shock me with that deviant behaviour" or the epic scene where renee zellweger sings the final verse of sugar high}, an incredible soundtrack and a secret part of me that wishes i was cool enough to work there and rock out to rad music. but it's also about giving people a second chance when they don't deserve it and how people really come together to save something meaningful.

so i'm re-visiting tonight. chilling on my couch. eating ice cream x

under threat

i really thought we were beyond the recession. in my career {a very short one so far} in banking i have only known the downturn in the financial services sector. i joined 6 months prior to the national credit act, when all banks were in the credit rush to offer you a card and/or a limit increase. we all did it, no finger-pointing here, please.

i signed off system changes when prime hit 15.5% and credit impairments shot through the roof. i reviewed market analysis and press articles rife with images of people cutting up their credit cards. i read with dismay how 1 million people lost their jobs in the peak of the "w" recession, how 3 of the big four banks retrenched. how one bank became the biggest second hand car dealer due to the number of monthly repossessions. i attended countless presentations on how 2010 will revive the markets, boost morale and give us the revitalisation we need to skip off the meniscus of the recession ocean.

and i thought we were through the worst of it. but we aren't. now there will be retrenchments. now there's name calling. duplication. a little bit of fat here, there. panic. defense. black. white. pale male. incompetence. last in, first out. streamlining. back to basics. budget forecasting. we forget we deal with people, not processes. we forget we deal with dads, not duplicated managerial roles. single moms with kids to feed.

yes, i have never known any other climate than this.
but this has to be the lowest point in my career.

but i am not my job description.
i am not my salary grade.
i am not my latest performance appraisal score.
i am not my key result area.

i simply trust in the great I AM.